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I Held a Gun

I Held a Gun
© Rabbi Menachem Creditor

I held a gun, and it wasn't just any gun, and I don't want to hold any gun, and it was this gun that killed Yitzhak Rabin z"l, and I held it in my trembling hands, and I couldn't hold it and I couldn't put it down and I couldn't see it and I couldn't close my eyes.

I was suddenly back at Bar Ilan in class with Yigal Amir and I was back davening mincha in Washington DC being told that the Prime Minister had been shot and I was back on the streets of Oakland on the bloodied pavement where boys get shot and I was back being held in my mother's arms and I was back in the White House screaming to power from the psychic pain and then I was back in that room, holding that gun, that awful, wretched thing that tore a hole in the world that we haven't yet been able to fill, that even God can't fill.

That damned gun that destroyed the world was in my helpless, trembling hands. I couldn't remember how to move my hands to put it down.

I was, and am, and now always will be holding it's cold dead history, its pain.

That damned gun is now in my hands.

° netivotshalom. org

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Sometimes it just comes down to facing the storm,
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in the first place.

Kneel,  stand,  sit,  rise up.

To kneel is
to submit  to lower oneself  to step down  to pause.
To kneel is to call attention  to touch the Earth's face to listen to those  whose blood saturates  the very roots of our story.
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To kneel is not to stand not to stand not to stand idly by.
Speak your truth,
God damn it.

That's what God wants most of all.

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